the EX

When you live with the same woman for 5 or 6 years, and when you are faithfull to her, you start thinking that she is the only woman that will ever show interest in you. At least that was what happend to me. I was with a beautiful argentinian girl, she was smart, pretty and my best friend next to my love. But suddenly she talked about children and marriage. Just bevor her 30. birthday, and not like a perspective for the distant future, but like "Now! Or I will leave you".

Well, you gotta know that I have a child already, more of an accident when I was 19, but a great girl that I love very much. But that experience taught me quite some things: If you are poor, you should not get children. If you have trouble in a relationship, a child will not fix these troubles, but increase them. And if you want to study, don't get children.
See, that is the case with me: I made up my mind to start a new carrer. To stop beeing an TV-editor, and study to become a journalist. Wit my 28 years, I will go to the university again, learn again. So I will be poor again, because on my job as an editor I do earn good money. I will try to work as much as possible next to my studies, but I thik that I will barely be able to support myself, not to mention a family with wife and child.
So she broke up with me, telling me that yes, she loves me, and yes I love her, but her wish is to be a young mother, and I made it clear that I don't want children now. So she split with me.

I keept on loving her, calling her every day, and we behaved over the phone like nothing happend, like we where still together. But we where not. I told her that I love her, and she did the same, but always she said that we have to be friends now. And then, one day, she told me not to call her for a month. Not to write, not to communicate in any way with her. So I did. I also made the rule for me not to drink any alkohol during that time, and so I did not touch a drop.
That time was very interesting for me. At first, it hurt like a bitch that I couldn't talk with her. I had lost the person that would put my day into a perspective, and the one I could reflect with. I had done that for more than 5 years, every day. I can not recall a time where we didn't talk for more than 4 or max 5 days, and now, all the sudden, she was gone.
She wanted this "break" from me to sort out her feelings, to see what she wants, and what she will do with her life. But what happend was that I did that. I learnd quite fast that I can reflect with myself, that if you want friends and company, you have to treat them good, and that I can manage without her. And I found out that woman ARE interestet in me. Since I am "solo" now, I seem to be even more interesting, and so fare there are two woman that I flirted with, and both responded very well. I got a date with that syrian girl tonight, and tomorow with the tall german girl, Franziska.

The weird thing is that I don't feel guilty. The weird thing is that even though I talk with my Ex again, I feel like I lost my trust. That with the proposition to either mary and get children, or split, she broke all the trust that I had put in her. And I am not mad at her, just very sad about it. In the last talk we had, she kind of told me that she would be willing to "negotiate" our different wants and needs, but honestly, I don't want anymore. When she played her stronges card, leaving, she probably didn't expect me to say "ok, I still can not do it". Now that she wants to back up from that, I sort of lost my trust in her. It is weird to tell, but it is that way.

So I will go out and have dates, and see what comes out. I feel very much free, and when at first I felst lonly, now I also feel secure JUST ON MY OWN.