What happend...

So after that great email from this girl I got a crush on, I got ready to go out. Took my new black shirt, my dark green Pants, shaved, put on the black leather shoes, a drop of scent on my neck, and of I went. I was on my way to meet a friend, in a weird bar that we both go from time to time.

I was on my way to the Subway, and my cell rang. It was my Ex. All pissed she told me "You are an anhole! How could you! 3 days and 2 girls already? What am I to think of you?"

I totaly was not prepaired to anny conversation like that, and I didn't know what to replie, honestly...

She was all pissed, about that I meet other woman, and all. I didn't get defensive, I didnt try to justify my actions, to put the blame on her or anything. I realized that I knew that I didn't do the gentelman-thing and all. That I was behaving like a bit of an asshole and all. But that I don't feel sory for my actions. That I felt more anlive and free than in any of the last 3 or 4 years. I like it to get drunk with friends, to flirt with beautyful woman, to dance, drink ant talk. I like it a lot, and I rediscover this world right now. And I don't want to feel guilty about it. And I don't.

So I didn't justify my actions, and I realized that I am quite a bit of a step ahead of her in terms of our relationship. She kind of fought still for it, I didn't. I had enough of it, and I didn't want what was before anymore.


So I went out, and got very very drunk, slept on the couch of a friend of mine, and came home at 3 p.m.
Slept another 5 hours, then went out to meet some guys from work, and try to see if the beer still tastes. It does, and I had 4 more.

I go to bed now, gotta work tomorow at 11:30 am....

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck

Now, I told you about that cool and pretty girl I got that crush on....

now, as I wrote, I went out with her, and we had a great evening.

And I keep thinking about her.

And all that.


Now totay she wrote me an email.
Here is what she wrote:

"Just wantet to tell you that I had a great time with you that evening.
But I have to tell you that I missed the pmoment that evening to tell you something important. That I met someone 3 week ago, and that there is something developing between us....
Now I feel like shit, because I sould have told you before.
But as I said, I missed the moment, and later I was too drunk.
Hm
The thing is, I thing we get along great, and I would like us to meet again - in all friendship.
Tell me what you think about it, if you will still talk with me....

I am sorry

Franzi"



So my first thought was

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck

Why does it have to happen to me?

so here is what I wrote her back:

"What can I say... Shit?

Why does it have to be that the interesting woman has to take herself out of the game right away?

Gotta think about it, had some hopes of some sort

Well, I bet that guy is a total jerk. And boring. I bet.

I mean, of course I would love to meet you again, but the friendship-part sucks."




Anyway, just wrote that, and send it to her, I don't know if I get an answer. I don"t want to be the "lowert expectation"-guy for her, that she can turn to when the other guy seems to not be as cool as she thought... ...I want to be the guy that crushes the other one, that is so much cooler and better and all that she dropes him like a hot potato.
But darn, that guy got a 3 week head start, and she already fell for him....

I guess I just have to get drunk like good old Bukowski....

and get over it.......

I just can't get you out of my head

girl your loving is all I think about

I just can't get you out of my head

girl it's more than I dare to think about



LALALA LALALALALA LALALA



and so on....



anyway, I woke up at 8 am this morning, thinking about that girl. When can I call her, and when can I meet her. I don't want to seem psycho or anything, don't want to seem as desperate as I am....





I gotta play it like a player as well, but that has always been hard for me.

For now, I will just use all the free time and clean the flat, and listen to the new recort of Amy Winehouse that I bought yesterday.





Here is Amy Winehouse, and if you don't know her yet, be shure to check her out!

She is great!
Amy Winehouse

she playes it tough

I slept all weird today.... woke up at 6, took a shower, and realized that I was still a bit drunk. Went to bed and couldnt sleep. Man, I was thinking the whole time about that girl.

Hell, I didn`t want to seem so desperate, so I didn't write her any SMS until just now, 2 pm.

I seriously know the best pizza-place in Berlin, and I asked if she would care for some....

And damm, no, she got no time today. I mean, I am shure she has, but she plays hard to get. I know that, and I see that game, but what can I say... it works on me. Now I keep thinking about her the whole day, try to keep my self from writing her more messages, try to bock her out of my thoughts, but its so damm hard to do that.

I gotta go to sport or something like that, gotta find a way to liberate all that testosteron that I bild up.....


probably the thing to do..............



darn!

...,so I went out

So I went out. I went out with Franzi, that beautiful tall blond beautiful beautiftul girl. She is as tall as I am, all firm, but no skinny. She is tough in her body, and though in flirting. It took me almost 5 hours, and pretty much the same amount of drinks to get her to kiss me. She finaly did, in the third bar we went to. That was some irish pup, the band played Rolling Stones and some CCR, and she danced a lot with me. When finaly she started to dance close, the band anounced that this would be their last song. I had to pay them a whiskey (took the cheapest one there was) EACH so they would play some more. Thank god it was a 3-guys band.

Thank god that after "IIIIIIIII Waaaaaaaaanaaa faaaaaaal in looooooooove, with youuuuuu" from I think Chris Isaak or someting like that she finaly kissed me. I know she likes me, and I know that she is atracted to me. But she plays it like a player, always that sadistic smile around the corners of her mouth when I try to kiss her. She likes me, but she likes to play with me.

Fair enough, right now I like to be played with.

Gonna call her tomorow, see how things are. We kissed a bit tonight, lets see how everything is after the alcohol left our bodys.....


.....what a great girl, realy would love to know her better......

First date no score

So I met that syrian girl again today. We went to some café and talked for about 3 hours. It was quite clear from the start that I would not get into her pants today or any day soon, but she was an interesting enough person to just spend time with her nevertheless. Learn a lot about Syria, and I got an offer from her to visist her there... ...might just do that, because that city Damaskus is one of the oldes citys in the world, and I would never go there if I would not know anyone... ....just too different the culture, and I wouldn't know what to do there, what is safe and what not...

Anyway, so I had an interesting conversation, and even though I did not get lucky with her, I discoverd a interesting and intelligent person... ....and it showed me what I might want to become myself one day (soon).

I do have another date tonight, and this time I realy want to get lucky. Man, that woman is pretty, that woman is beautyful, and after that final breakup-phonecall from my ex yesterday, I don't even have a guilty contiousness.

Well, I will let you know.....

its all over now, baby blue

So instead of meeting that syrian girl (she has to work late, but maybe we met for a coffee tomorow) my ex-girlfriend called me. She asked me straight to my face if I met someone. I sad (like any man) NO. We talked a bit, and she ased me some pretty straight questions, which I did not answer well. I realized that I dont care for her as much as I used to, and that I lost my trust in her. She told me that all the "I want to get a baby with you"-stuff was some sort of psycho-test, and that she just wanted to find out if I would have a future with her. Well, my thought was that even if we would have had a future, with a test like this you make pretty shure that that future breaks. No wonder I feel like I am betrayed.

Anyway, she said that she was going to sort everything out, to go for it and all, but that now after my response she doesnt want anymore.

So the breakup is final.

I guess

At least I am going to my dates as a true singel, not betraying anyone now.



Still feel like an ashole.....

an email

Ha! She wrote me a mail, asking me to meet!

That Syrian girl! Just found her mail in my Spam-filter! Man, she was not trying to sell penis-enlargement-pills or ViARg Ra CHeAp or anything!
She asked me to meet her when I have free time, so tonight I might just get a date! Got one tomorow already with another girl that I realy like, but lets see how things work out.

Wrote her an SMS, still waiting for the answer from that syrian girl!

Back in the game

Circus Bar

During my education a few years back, I used to work in the bar of a hostel. The name of the hostel was Circus - and in someway that fit very well.
The first bar of that hostel was small. In fact, it was smaller than the flat I live in right now, and that barely has 50 qm. The first bar was fantastic: a small room at groundlevel, with a tiny bar where we sold beer in bottels and mixed drinks, with two computers and a big TV. There also was a room downstairs, with some old comfortable chairs, and 3 automatic pay-washing-maschines. Pretty much everything you would need for a small hostel. In the morning they served breakfast, during the day everyone came to check their emails, and at night all the foreign tourists came to start the night with a few cheap drinks, maybe meet someone you could go out and party with.

Of course everyone liked the man behind the bar.

I was happy working there, even though it was one of the hardes times in my life. Working 2 nights a week, sometimes 3, next to a fulltime education - you can only do that when you are young. But it did have some benefits. Girls! There where so many girls from all around the world, and they where all eager to have a good time. What more can they ask for than a native guide, good looking (yeah, I was thin back then), friendly, with good english-skills. I don't know how many tours I gave to girls, and with quite some of them, a tour endet at night at my place. It was basicly what they wanted, a nice adventure in a great city, and for me it was just fine. I just came out of a terible relation - and didn't want to slide right back in a new one. I just wanted to have fun, and I did.

So the easyest way to pick up a girl is not to go to a bar, but to work there, because behind a bar you are always two notches cooler than the regular customer.
Of course, if there is a lot of work, you miss out on all the conversation, maybe have to let one girl go with a jerk or something like that, but in the end you get to know a lot of beautyful woman.

the EX

When you live with the same woman for 5 or 6 years, and when you are faithfull to her, you start thinking that she is the only woman that will ever show interest in you. At least that was what happend to me. I was with a beautiful argentinian girl, she was smart, pretty and my best friend next to my love. But suddenly she talked about children and marriage. Just bevor her 30. birthday, and not like a perspective for the distant future, but like "Now! Or I will leave you".

Well, you gotta know that I have a child already, more of an accident when I was 19, but a great girl that I love very much. But that experience taught me quite some things: If you are poor, you should not get children. If you have trouble in a relationship, a child will not fix these troubles, but increase them. And if you want to study, don't get children.
See, that is the case with me: I made up my mind to start a new carrer. To stop beeing an TV-editor, and study to become a journalist. Wit my 28 years, I will go to the university again, learn again. So I will be poor again, because on my job as an editor I do earn good money. I will try to work as much as possible next to my studies, but I thik that I will barely be able to support myself, not to mention a family with wife and child.
So she broke up with me, telling me that yes, she loves me, and yes I love her, but her wish is to be a young mother, and I made it clear that I don't want children now. So she split with me.

I keept on loving her, calling her every day, and we behaved over the phone like nothing happend, like we where still together. But we where not. I told her that I love her, and she did the same, but always she said that we have to be friends now. And then, one day, she told me not to call her for a month. Not to write, not to communicate in any way with her. So I did. I also made the rule for me not to drink any alkohol during that time, and so I did not touch a drop.
That time was very interesting for me. At first, it hurt like a bitch that I couldn't talk with her. I had lost the person that would put my day into a perspective, and the one I could reflect with. I had done that for more than 5 years, every day. I can not recall a time where we didn't talk for more than 4 or max 5 days, and now, all the sudden, she was gone.
She wanted this "break" from me to sort out her feelings, to see what she wants, and what she will do with her life. But what happend was that I did that. I learnd quite fast that I can reflect with myself, that if you want friends and company, you have to treat them good, and that I can manage without her. And I found out that woman ARE interestet in me. Since I am "solo" now, I seem to be even more interesting, and so fare there are two woman that I flirted with, and both responded very well. I got a date with that syrian girl tonight, and tomorow with the tall german girl, Franziska.

The weird thing is that I don't feel guilty. The weird thing is that even though I talk with my Ex again, I feel like I lost my trust. That with the proposition to either mary and get children, or split, she broke all the trust that I had put in her. And I am not mad at her, just very sad about it. In the last talk we had, she kind of told me that she would be willing to "negotiate" our different wants and needs, but honestly, I don't want anymore. When she played her stronges card, leaving, she probably didn't expect me to say "ok, I still can not do it". Now that she wants to back up from that, I sort of lost my trust in her. It is weird to tell, but it is that way.

So I will go out and have dates, and see what comes out. I feel very much free, and when at first I felst lonly, now I also feel secure JUST ON MY OWN.

drinkin beer again

I did a month without alcohol. Just to see if I can do it. Worked, and two days ago I had my first beer again. Then a second and a third. And a fourth and so on. Needed the whole next day to recover. Around 7 I was fine again, so I called a friend and we went out for the next beers. As written in "the girl from Syria". So I got drunk again, and needed the whole day again to get clear. I am ok now, and I won't drink tonight, gotta work tomorow, I can not rest there. But I plan on going to the fusion-festival on thursday, 3 days of electronical musik, beer and girls. What else can a man ask for...........

That girl from Syria

So yesterday I went out.

The streets where filled with people, everyone drinking whine and beer and coctails that look as terible as the headace they produce. Lots of gay couples also, because today was gay pride parade.

Now I went to the Pony-Bar, nice little Bar in the hip quater of Berlin, cheap drinks, good music, the people there maybe a bit to cool, but I could just bear that. So I went there to meet a good friend of mine, and after waiting for each other for more than half an hour (I sat outside, he was inside and had no more batery for the phone), we finaly found the other. Had a beer or two, and a shot of wodka, and after some nice talk went to a club. Now don't ask me how they call that club, but it was in a great location, an old polst-office from 1850 or so. 6 Euros to get in was quite ok, and there we met a friend of ours, that was with a group of arabic people, showing them the nightlife of Berlin. I imediatly noticed a beautyful longhaired girl. She was not tall, but everything on her was firm, beautyful roundet, she moved like she knew her body well.

So I checked her out, first talking with some of my frieds, so I don't seem so desperate.

So we then talked a bit. She is from Syria, from Damaskus, and stays another weeek here in Berlin. Some sort of a journalist-exchange-program, something I would love to do myself.

Well, I asked her a bit about her country, because honestly I dont know anything about Syria. Not that I care that much, but it's a good ice-breakter.

So we talked, then we danced. She was a ok dancer, not the greatest in the world, but honestly, the music sucked quite a bit. So we had another drink, and went dancing again. She danced better, closer, and showed me some affection. At some point we endet on one of the padded walls next to the dancefloor, and danced realy, realy close. Her crouch was on my thigh, and to the rythm of the music she was moving herself. I was moving myself as well, but it seems that it is much easyer for girls to have sex with your cloth on. Well, she wouldnt look at me and would kiss me either, wich was weird, but since her movement was quite direct, I didnt care so much. Well, after some time she either played an orgasm or had one, not that I cared to much. I was hoping to get lucky, maybe I could take her home, get some satisfaction myself.

I didn't. She suddenly told me that she had had to much to drink, feels tired and wants to go home. No I don't need to bring her she told me.

She looked very guilty. Maybe back in Damaskus there was some Syrian guy waiting for her, maybe it is a cultural thing that I don't understand - I do think it is the first, because she wouldn't kiss me.

So that evening was as close as I ever got with a syrian girl, but if they all look as beautyful as her, I shure like to get closer with one oneday.

Introduction

Hey everyone

This is my new blog, the one that differs quite a bit from my old one. The old one is im my native language, in german, it has a photo of me, and my brother and my ex both have the adress.
Now it is nice when you got some people reading your stuff, but sometimes it gets a little compromising when it is family.

So this here is my secret littel DirtyOldBlog, where I will put as much detail as I want about who I want.
My english got a litte rusty, and my spelling sucks, so I apologize for that once. For the rest of the blog you wiill jsut have to live with it.