Mittwoch, 4. Juli 2007

boy, allone I don't know what to do with myself

It is nice to be this new person that I am, and I enjoy to meet all new people, drink heaps of alcohol, and party all night long.
Anyway, the downside is that right now, I just want to go out, talk, dance, drink, and I don't find anyone that wants to do it with me. They all want to do an easy night....

...and I can't get that girl of my head, and I know that I should play it cool, but I honestly can not.... .....she has a grip on me, and the cooler and more reserved she is, the more I crave for her.... ...and I think she knows it.

Anyway, I thought I would go out and party AND MEET NEW GIRLS EVERY NIGHT, and now I start to fall for one, and only one girl.....

Well, I guess, I will see how it turns out.

She likes me, but she is also afraid that I will use her only as a vehicle to get over my ex-girlfriend. And since I feel pretty numb about my ex, since I expect a lot of emotions but don't have them, I am myself afraid that I might not be over her. I mean it is over over, but I didn't do any "Trauerarbeit" - any work to get over this.

On the other hand I have not felt this good in ages, and I don't want to have a sad phase, because I realy enjoy my life right now.

Anyway, I see myself that I write some confusing stuff, but that is probably how it is in my head now.

Dienstag, 3. Juli 2007

dog day

Well well well, I went out yesterday, as I wrote, and came home at 2 in the morning.
Slept 5 or 6 hours, and worked the whole day.
I did not work well today, I was just to tired, and I went to meet Macris, a friend of mine later. We had some beers, went to eat some nice asian food, and talked a bit.

At home, I just called my mom, and later my brother, and just talked about me, basicly because I knew that there was no message from Franziska, the beautyful girl I fell for, and I just wanted to keep my mind occupied.

Now I just went to the internet, checked, saw that there was no mail, and now I just write out of shere frustration in this blog.

Will go to bed soon, and maybe write something useful in the morning!

Peace out!

Montag, 2. Juli 2007

the date...

man, I was so nervous when I went to that date...

I realy like that girl, and that she wants to meet me again, even though she has a boyfriend, well, it tells me that I am still in the game - as the players call it.

Anyway, I went today, met her in some big bar, around 7:30 pm...

And my, I was so nervous. I didn't know what to tell, didn't know what to talk about. It is so funny that all the sudden, all the smalltalk dries out. It like a section of your brane shuts down, leaving a "out of order"-sighn outside, and no directions to a substitute.

Anyway, I hated that bar. I mean, it is a nice bar and all, and even though they brought us a different beer than the one we orderd, I can not say a lot of bad things about that bar. It was ok. But I hated it, because I was not comfortable myself.

After we finished that first beer, and after I had taled about all sorts of garbage, just no importand toppic, I asked her if we could leave the bar.

It was fine with her, and so we went (because it is her neighbourhood) to a bar she recomended. It is the longest days of the years right now, and so we went through a big park, took a short look at a realy empty bar she liked (but not empty of course) and setteld at a bar called "MIR" - like the russian spacestation.

Nice bar. I orderd some beer for the both of us, and we started talking. Not the nonsens from the other bar, serious stuff.

She likes to spy on me. To spy on my thoughts. I have to be carefull not to reveal to much about myself to her, because she does not like to give to much in return.

Well, finaly I made her talk about herself. After I made her some pretty serious compliments. After I told her that when she asked me for my email per SMS (and I knew that she would tell me that there is someone) I went to sport, did a big big big workout, so when I would come back, I would not hate the mail so much she would send.

Anyway, at some point we talked about her.

Nice talk. Tough woman.

Anyway, she told me about the guy she is with right now.

Told me he was a cook, and a cocain-addict.

Now, I hate cocain-addicts, because I have only met ashole personalitys on cocain.

I also know that a cook is a competition that is pretty tough to beat with woman, even "I work in TV" does not level up to that.

So I let her talk and all, and I learnd from her that he might cook pretty good, but he is no cook. He works in a kittchen, but that is all.
You see, there is a sort of german kind of pizza, called "Flammkuchen". Basicly it is a pizza without tomatosauce. Anyway, he works in a restaurant, and his job is to prepare exactly this "pizza". Nothing more. So, from "chef of a kitchen" he went to "pizza-cook". Not so high up there anymore.

Anyway, she gave me some good oportunitys to make a joke about him (or two), and even tough I thought I would never be able to pull it off, I actualy DID TELL HER: "Drop that zero and get with the hero!"

I expected a instant slap, but instead she laughet!!!!

I knew then that there was something possible for me.

Anyway, I made her lots of compliments, and she did not reject one of them.... and in the end we kissed.

Not the passionate kiss, the "I want you now, on that table, and I dont care what others think" - kind of kiss.... ...because she felt guilty about her pizza-guy.

She told me to call her in two months, to go out and meet woman, to get back to her when I had my fun... ...I told her I would not be "lowered expectaions" or second choice for her.

I mean, if I get this woman, I want her because of my own power, not because some cocain-pizza-dude fucked up... NEVER!

Anyway, we kissed a bit, I drove her home in a cab, and we kissed some more in front of her door. Gentleman that I am, I didn't went up with her.... not that she would have let me in the first place, but it was good that she didn't have to say "NO".

Anyway, I got more from her this evening than I ever expected, and I only wrote half the stuff down that happend....

OK OK, I didn't hide anything big from you all.... don't wory!!

Anyway, I will keep you updated!

so long

Again a date

See, I had a terrible Saturday. All hungover, I just spended it in bed. Didn't think about that girl I got a crush on, because there was not a lot of thinking possible in my head.
Anyway, around 8 a friend from work called and I went there, helped him setting up his TV - he just moved. So I had my first beer there, and a second and so on, so I came home around 1 or 2, not calling or sending Franzi an SMS...

Sunday I slept long again, and then had to go to work. So I worked from 11:30 until 17:00, and then went to my brother and his wife, it was her birthday. My father and his ex also showed up (don't ask about their relationship, its all weird and stuff), and I was there until they left again... then my Ex called my brother.... She just called to say by to them, and that hit me like a truck, because it finaly became all real and final.

I couldn`t help it, I cried. Couldn't help it.

So my brother took me, and we took a long walk. He is right, it just helps to walk, move foreward. We had a great talk, and then he asked me for my cellphone, to call his wife, tell her he is on his way back. It was then that I discoverd a SMS of Franzi, she asking me how my work was...

Man, I had not hoped for that, but I guess not sending any sighn of life to her for 2 days increased my chances quite a bit....

Anyway, I went home with my car and then wrote her back, and we exchanged messages for a while, finaly I asked her out again, she said yes.

So she told me she would call me today, and she just did...

I will meet her at 7:30 pm in a bar in her neigbourhood, and we will see how it goes. Maybe I can be the hero, and she will drop that zero... ...even though, now that I think about it, I will probably not tell her that... I do have my doubts that it ever worked, even for Vanilla Ice...

so, I will keep you updated....

Sonntag, 1. Juli 2007

"Drop that Zero and get with the Hero"

You all remember Vanílla Ice? That guy that made "Ice Ice Baby"? You know, he was all cool back then in the 90s, with his fast motocycle, and his day-glow-shirts. Anyway, besides playing himself in "Turtles 3" he made a movie about a guy that is pretty much the same as him. So he made a movie about himself.

Anyway, its one of the worst movies ever made, seriously! It's up (or better: down) there with "Crossroads" (Britney Spears) and "Glitter" (Maria Cary), a typical "we make a movie with a star about him sort of" - movie.

But in that movie, Vanilla Ice made a great comment. Turning to a girl that is engaged with someone else, he tells her "Yo, drop that zero and get with the hero"!

And I thought, even though it is one of the cheasiest things one can say to a woman, it is so cheasy that it is cool.

Vanilla Ice ment it dead-seriously in that movie, but if you put just enough sarcasm in your voice, it's one of the coolest things to say.....

...well, maybe not, but I will see if I get a chance to use it with that beautyful girl that just told me she met someone 3 weeks ago...

anyway, as you can see, I stil think about her...

Samstag, 30. Juni 2007

What happend...

So after that great email from this girl I got a crush on, I got ready to go out. Took my new black shirt, my dark green Pants, shaved, put on the black leather shoes, a drop of scent on my neck, and of I went. I was on my way to meet a friend, in a weird bar that we both go from time to time.

I was on my way to the Subway, and my cell rang. It was my Ex. All pissed she told me "You are an anhole! How could you! 3 days and 2 girls already? What am I to think of you?"

I totaly was not prepaired to anny conversation like that, and I didn't know what to replie, honestly...

She was all pissed, about that I meet other woman, and all. I didn't get defensive, I didnt try to justify my actions, to put the blame on her or anything. I realized that I knew that I didn't do the gentelman-thing and all. That I was behaving like a bit of an asshole and all. But that I don't feel sory for my actions. That I felt more anlive and free than in any of the last 3 or 4 years. I like it to get drunk with friends, to flirt with beautyful woman, to dance, drink ant talk. I like it a lot, and I rediscover this world right now. And I don't want to feel guilty about it. And I don't.

So I didn't justify my actions, and I realized that I am quite a bit of a step ahead of her in terms of our relationship. She kind of fought still for it, I didn't. I had enough of it, and I didn't want what was before anymore.

So I went out, and got very very drunk, slept on the couch of a friend of mine, and came home at 3 p.m.
Slept another 5 hours, then went out to meet some guys from work, and try to see if the beer still tastes. It does, and I had 4 more.

I go to bed now, gotta work tomorow at 11:30 am....

Freitag, 29. Juni 2007

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck

Now, I told you about that cool and pretty girl I got that crush on....

now, as I wrote, I went out with her, and we had a great evening.

And I keep thinking about her.

And all that.

Now totay she wrote me an email.
Here is what she wrote:

"Just wantet to tell you that I had a great time with you that evening.
But I have to tell you that I missed the pmoment that evening to tell you something important. That I met someone 3 week ago, and that there is something developing between us....
Now I feel like shit, because I sould have told you before.
But as I said, I missed the moment, and later I was too drunk.
The thing is, I thing we get along great, and I would like us to meet again - in all friendship.
Tell me what you think about it, if you will still talk with me....

I am sorry


So my first thought was

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck

Why does it have to happen to me?

so here is what I wrote her back:

"What can I say... Shit?

Why does it have to be that the interesting woman has to take herself out of the game right away?

Gotta think about it, had some hopes of some sort

Well, I bet that guy is a total jerk. And boring. I bet.

I mean, of course I would love to meet you again, but the friendship-part sucks."

Anyway, just wrote that, and send it to her, I don't know if I get an answer. I don"t want to be the "lowert expectation"-guy for her, that she can turn to when the other guy seems to not be as cool as she thought... ...I want to be the guy that crushes the other one, that is so much cooler and better and all that she dropes him like a hot potato.
But darn, that guy got a 3 week head start, and she already fell for him....

I guess I just have to get drunk like good old Bukowski....

and get over it.......